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Did we have the right conversations before I do?

Hello, my lovely people. It is that time of year again when leaves aren’t the only things that are falling. While you are falling in love you also think marrying this amazing person. You probably have had countless conversations with your partner about your future together before popping the question. But you might be questioning did we have the enough conversations or the right conversations.

There are so many articles that you need to do this and that before getting married or even engaged. Believe me, I have read a bunch of them myself, but overall, I have found that you can really consolidate them into 5 main topics. I don’t claim to be an expert, but these are my thoughts and assumptions.

1. What are your non-negotiable? Many people see non-negotiables only discussed in boring board rooms. But when we apply non-negotiables (or you could also say deal breakers) to our own life then we will get our ideal partner and help your feel secure in your relationship. You may be asking what non-negotiables mean. Well, these are must-haves and things you are not flexible on. Examples are having children, when to have children, non-smoker, being part of a certain religion, alcohol use, having pets, what relationship they have with their family, etc. When we don’t discuss our non-negotiables before marriage then there is a large possibility that you will hold resentment toward this person. This can lead you to a life of dread or divorce. But when you stand your ground on your non-negotiables you are honoring and loving yourself. This is where you can find happiness and real love that can stand width of time.

2. Where do we stand on our finances? So, this is a loaded question that can discuss for hours, but I am going to simplify this for you. Firstly, what are each of your spending habits? Once you know each other’s spending habits you need to acknowledge each other and find a way to compromise on this. Secondly, what is your current financial status? This could be from your debt to your credit score to even investments. Then the third, what are your financial goals? Each of you might have different financial goals, but if fundamentally they are similar then there should be less worry about finances down the road.

3. What are your life goals and does your partner respect/support them? These life goals can include when to retire, what family dynamic you want, and what path you want your career to take. An example of this is before my husband and I got married I told him that I am not sure what path we have to take but I know I want to be financially/career stable where I can take off work to be there for our children both physically and emotionally. This even includes where we take the kids out of school to homeschool them while traveling the world because most of the valuable things, I have learned in life were from traveling the world.

4. Do you have healthy ways of arguing? No one is perfect and this also goes for relationships too. Disagreements happen and they are a normal process of being in a relationship. You will argue about what movie to watch, paying bills, how to raise/discipline your kids, and you will have some fights where you will put you to tears (trust me I have cried so much). But what matters is how you disagree and how you resolve your differences. If you can finish the fight or disagreement with mutual respect and no resentment after, then it will get easier over time. It might even get to the point where you look back and laugh at the ridiculous things you argued about in the past.

5.Are you able to live the rest of your life with your partner’s worst traits? In time you will learn a lot of each other’s habits and traits. Some will be good and some will irritate the hell out of you. When you learn these traits, you need to keep in mind whether you are able to live forever with these traits. Before my husband and I got engaged he asked me if I could live with the fact that he is always late for the rest of my life. This was something that I thought was odd for him to ask me, but he further explained why he asked this. He said, “Change is the hardest thing that anyone can do.” So keep in mind that the traits and habits your partner exhibit can be this way forever. You can never expect them to change, but you can hope for it and when they do be grateful for it.

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